adulthood is writing notes and throwing things

Oh man. Yesterday I completed so many things and was feeling great. I singlehandedly called the electric company, the gas company, and Time Warner Cable to set up everything we would need for our apartment by the time I move in next Friday and John a few days later. I was commended for being such a nice person. I was polite to the poor TWC girl even though that company is the WORST and every dealing I’ve had with them has been less than pleasant (sorry Greta, but I did mind my p’s and q’s). Most importantly (to a control freak like me) I wrote down everything. All the information that I was given was written down so that there could be no question if I needed to refer back to it later. And then, feeling rather accomplished because I had been wearing my big girl panties a little longer than usual, I exited out of my notes and ate dinner with my family. 

Everything was super great and delicious, per the usual when your mom is just an exceptionally fantastic cook. She really is, and she also didn’t get mad at me when I threw my stuffed bear into the window and broke the blinds after I realized my computer had eaten every single word I had written. I also may have started crying pretty loudly. My memories are fuzzy.

I know it wasn’t really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. I mean, the accounts had still been opened. Everything is going to start on the 1st of November. The TWC guy is supposedly supposed to come from 1-2 so we’ll just see what happens with that. I guess it was just the fact that the actual proof of what I had done was gone. And life is kind of scary right now, so I like to be very assured that everything is going to work out exactly the way I need it to. 

How unfortunate for me that in life we are pretty much guaranteed it’s not going to work out the way we think we need it to. How wonderful it is to know that I’m never the one in absolute control. And by wonderful I mean wonderful-but-also-very-difficult-and-I’m-not-exactly-comfortable-with-this-but-okay-I-guess-I’ll-give-it-a-shot. That kind of wonderful. 

the best laid schemes

One of the hardest things for me to accept is how little control over something I have. I am the type of person who has a plan for everything. When I went to Europe with my best friend for three weeks I had our time planned out to the day. I knew the train schedules, ferry times, the various museums and things, etc. We had reservations for every single hostel months and months before the trip. We had a great time and saved a ton of money because we did things very economically and we had a plan.

Not everyone is like this. Some people can step off of the plane and just go, without any sort of forethought and nothing holding them back. I am not this person. Sometimes I envy this person.

The reason I’m writing about all of this because my future seems so uncertain right now, which is amusing because it’s not at all uncertain. I’ll be in Los Angeles in about 25 days. My parents (or parent, depending on whether someone turns the government back on) will unload me and I’ll start trying to get a job. And then, life. That’s my life. I will be figuring things out as I go. There’s no way to plan, not much more control I can exert. It’s absolutely frightening, and sort of exhilarating. I’m excited and scared. I can’t stop smiling and I have nightmares. For a long time it’s felt like I was waiting for my life to start. I guess it’s finally going to.

I’m ready.