Pride and Prejudice

When I was younger I went through this phase where I wanted to read all of the classics. I don’t remember what brought it on or how old I was, but it had to have been late middle school/early high school. Because of this phase, I have a bunch of classic books. Not all of them, but a bunch. And, man. I had totally forgotten how much I really love this book.

 

my cover is awful though.

I’m not really even sure why. At first glance, it’s not really the type of story line to interest me. A bunch of girls meet boys, drama ensues. I don’t know if it’s because the story is so universally known or what, but it’s just such a nice read. I really do hate Mr. Darcy though. I know he has this big come back at the end where he’s so nice and great and Elizabeth loves him. I just really don’t like him. He’s such a buttonhole. Of course, at the end of the read I sort of reevaluate and decide he must be alright, because I do love Lizzy and she loves him, so okay. I accept him. 

so i moved to Los Angeles

I’ve been in Los Angeles for a little over seven months now. Some crazy things have happened to me, I’ve done some things that you really can’t do anywhere else, but ultimately I’m looking forward.

Forward to what? I really don’t know.

I know I haven’t really spent too much time talking about why it is I’m here in LA. I’m here because I’m interested in the Film and Television industry. Because I want to act. Because I love the worlds that we make for ourselves and that are made for us on screens that we visit or that we carry in our pockets. Because I want to participate in that world building.

I’ve had some really exciting auditions since I’ve been here. The most recent audition I had was for a low budget feature film and consisted of myself and three other girls. We were called in based on our headshots/resumes and the casting director told us he had picked us out of at least a thousand of them. I was the only one who was non-union and who didn’t have an agent. I didn’t book the part, but I was so happy about even getting in the room that I walked around with a smile for a couple of days.

One of my first auditions was for a television promo that paid a ton of money. I still have no idea why I even got called in.

I’ve auditioned for a couple of student films, but mostly the auditions I’ve gone on have been for TV shows (not exciting ones, re-enactments like Tattoo Nightmares or Sex Sent me to the ER), random promos, short films, or features.

I’m not sharing this to brag, in fact I’m sure to the seasoned actor here what I’ve talked about is less than impressive. It certainly seems less than impressive to me. One of the things that’s been hardest for me here is reshaping my idea of what success is. Because of my accident, I’ve really only been auditioning since February, and I’ve had some great opportunities. I know that the fact people are calling me in based solely on my headshot and resume is an achievement. But still.

For someone who is as competitive as I am and who has been generally successful in many pursuits in my life, it has been very difficult for me to accept that I simply don’t have much of what I need even available to me. LA is a very closed off town. You have to be a bottom feeder and slowly make yourself strong off of the crumbs tossed down from above before you can hope to ascend to greater places.

me right now

Case Histories

It can be easy to forget how small the world really is, never more so than in Kate Atkinson’s Case Histories. This book is all over the place in terms of what’s happening. We follow three different (and distinctly different) story lines that seem to have only one thing in common – the innocence (or lack thereof) of the women involved.

This book is such an interesting read because the writing is so stream of conscious, which at times wore on me a bit. Especially when the characters were dialoguing, I had a hard time following and sometimes needed to read a passage a second time just to make sure I understand who was talking. For example:

Julia scrambled eggs for their supper, and after they had eaten she phoned the hospital and reported back to Amelia, “He’s alright apparently,” and Amelia said, “Really?” and Julia said, “Don’t you care?” and Amelia said, “No.” Because  she didn’t, not really, maybe in theory but not in her heart because why should she care for someone else (how could she care for someone else) when nobody cared about her?

Whew. I’m a little worn out just from typing all that.

On one hand, I really like it. When there’s no dialogue I think it’s a refreshing style of writing that flows really well, because it’s written the way people think (or the way I think, at least). However, it does get just a mite confusing when we throw in the talking.

Really, though, that’s the only foible I have with this book. It’s an intriguing and fun read that is presented as a sort of mystery thriller but reads more like a drama about people and relationships with these unsolved murder cases as a backdrop.

there

i don’t know what i am doing

i don’t know where i am going

i don’t know what i want

all i know

is i’m not happy yet

i see happiness

it seems so achievable

if i can just get there

but i don’t understand there

is it a place? a thought? a state of being?

why is this so hard for me to comprehend?

does  everyone have this problem?

or am i

wrong

should i not

want

to be there

is there simply my imagination?

i look at everyone else and they seem okay with this, this status quo of get up and go to work and come home and sleep and get up and do the same thing tomorrow. sometimes there’s a weekend. sometimes there’s someone else to spend time with and maybe at some point you’ll have babies and you’ll raise them and they’ll do the same damn thing for their entire lives and will it ever amount to anything at all i don’t know all i know is i don’t want this

i want what’s there